Tag Archives: TTC

THE APPOINTMENT

31 Jan

As I drove to the appointment yesterday I tried not to bite my nails. I failed miserably and they actually hurt quiet a bit today. Once we got to the appointment I was told that it would just be a discussion so I didn’t need to put on a gown or anything. We told the attending nurse what medications we were on, when my last period was, our lack of positive ovulation kits etc… I told the nurse that we sent a packet of info and that all that stuff should be in there. She went to look for it and found it, THANK GOD! I put so much work into it. Anyway, she said she would make sure the doctor looked at it.

She then exited the room and we waited. Unfortunately my Ob/Gyns office is notorious for making patients wait. I don’t know why. At my last appointment I waited 47 minutes for my pap smear. I normally would not stand for this but the doctors there are AMAZING. So we waited probably about 20 minutes and Jennie came in.  Maybe she was reading my novella I sent to her, who knows. Jennie is on the far right.

team

The first words out of Jennie’s mouth were “You are going to think of me as the person who tortures you”… Jennie assisted Kristen during my tubal pregnancy. I don’t think she is a torturer but my god, having your uterus emptied is nothing I would wish on anyone. Jennie asked us how we were doing and we said fine and she said NO REALLY HOW ARE YOU DOING, ARE YOU GOING CRAZY and I was like OHHHH this is not small talk, she wants to know. So we went over what has been going on with my cycle and our lack of positive ovulation tests and our timing of sex etc…

First and foremost, after telling her that one month we did it twice a day for about a week and a half she responded with “You poor people, that needs to stop”. She told us to do it every other day starting no earlier than day 14, unless we want to of course, and no more after Day 24.

Second, she told me that I am most likely ovulating, judging by my temperatures, and that most likely my LH hormone level was too low for the test to pick up. She couldn’t explain to me why I did have positive tests and now negative but she was not worried. I never knew that maybe my level was below the line of measurement, never even thought about that!

Third, she told me to throw the ovulation kits OUT. She said to rely on the monitor. She told me to stop peeing on multiple sticks a day and that I should save my money

Fourth, we discussed my previous ectopic and she asked me if I had any pain during my cycle or during sex stating that may indicate if we really do have a problem.

Fifth, she told me not to hit the panic button just yet. Which really, we all know is TOO LATE. She told me she understands why we are frustrated and tired. She said that they feel the same way when they do IUIs or Clomid and they time everything perfectly and nothing works. She reminded us that there is a 20% chance of conception each month and that it may take us awhile.

She said she could offer us two options:

  1. Keep trying, forget the ovulation kits, use the monitor and stop having sex too much
  2. Order tests, Sperm Analysis, Blood Test to measure my progesterone level and confirm ovulation and an HSG

I started to well up when she said the first option. I totally didnt want to hear that but I am well aware we are under the year mark. She asked me to decide. I told her that I wanted to have Ty tested and that I was really concerned about my tubes being blocked. I also went into saying that I know our timing is off  in terms of the year mark but with work and stuff, I really want to dive in now. I also said that of course life passes you by as you are making plans and that you cant plan everything but emotionally I need to know if we have an issue because otherwise I will go crazy. Then I cried, I told her that I felt broken. Ty reached over to me and I know he was thinking “Oh God, not this crying fit again” but he was still supportive. Jennie gave me tissues and told me that she would order all the tests.

 

Ty will be going for the Semen Analysis late next week (after I hopefully ovulate), I will go for the blood test on the 8th to see what my progesterone levels are and if they can confirm or deny that I ovulated. As for the HSG, it will be scheduled for a Monday later on in Feb. Jennie is the only doctor that does that at the practice and she schedules them for Mondays at the hospital. I have to wait until I am done with this current cycle before we can schedule it. Jennie said that the procedure will probably hurt and she doesnt want me to think of her as the bad doctor. I told her I wouldnt especially if she agreed to these tests anyway.

 

After a yummy dinner we got home and I threw out the rest of the ovulation kits that I had. We went to bed happy(well not really, I had a huge headache but whatever, there was no pressure to get er done)

We, well at least I, left feeling heard and understood. So good things on the horizon… and more medical bills but they are worth it.

I am going to try to remain hopeful and less down… but like all cycles in life, you have the good and the bad, Im going to focus on the good.

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I should have listened

30 Jan

DON’T TAKE MY PHOTO yelled my husband as I stood at the foot of the bed trying to get a photo of him lying in bed with the dog. The Dog of course was lying in my spot, under the covers, on the pillow. The two of them were two buddies cuddling up a storm.

 

I take one photo, Ty has his head covered.

 

I take the other photo… then a gushing/squirting/plopping sound happens.

 

The Dogs Ears perk up.

 

I stand there and go “OH GOD!”.

 

My softcup that I used this morning must have turned and dumped all of Tyler out.

 

Ty snarks, Told you not to take my photo.

 

I waddled into the bathroom, removed the softcup, changed my panties… and went on my merry way.

 

At Least I did get a cute photo. Tyler is cut out because he just has the blanket over his head.

 

photo

Acupuncture Update

29 Jan

I had acupuncture on Friday evening. This is after not going the week before. I dont know how I felt going into it but I know how I felt afterwards. Scott and I talked about my upcoming appointment and he mentioned that a women he has been treating similar to me was pregnant after seeing him for six months. We are on the 4th month with Scott. Even though that was wonderful and promising, I just felt tired.

Scott  and I talked about my appointment on Wednesday and we discussed what I wanted from it. I said that I wanted options, I wanted to know if I was dealing with something. He pointed out that my charts from October to now are COMPLETELY different, and they are. I know this. I see my temperatures leveling out, higher and my cycle becoming more even again. Those are all good things. I also know that I am a fundamentally different person that I was back in October when I met Scott.  He said that he didnt feel that I had any hormonal issues and that if anything maybe a blocked tube or an issue with Tyler. Either way, I need to know. I cannot spend the next six months in limbo, with no positive ovulation kits and sadly, maybe no peak fertility on the monitor. I just cant.

Scott treated my back as usual and I fell dead asleep. I must of have awoke probably 3 minutes before my 60 minutes were up and I wanted OFF that table. I dont know why, but I wanted to get out of there. I wanted to run. I wanted to be in my bed. I wanted to hide. As I was leaving Scott gave me a hug and told me to not give up.  Of course, this is not a normal appointment. This was not a normal day for me. I never go into or leave acupuncture this way. I dont know what was wrong with me.

 

Tomorrow we go to the appointment. Tomorrow could be so many things. For right now… I am trying to refocus. That means no more facebook (well, limited facebook – and yes, I will still have these posts automatically updated to FB so yeah you will still get a taste of me) so if you want to contact me, you will need to email me at mariannolewnik@gmail.com or call me but if you are telling me you are pregnant, I wont answer, because I already probably know, I have prego-radar 🙂 No but seriously. I do.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

Taking a Moment

28 Jan

Over the weekend I received a message from a friend saying that she had to terminate her pregnancy. She was at 12 weeks. Her and her husband already have beautiful children, I mean, they are poster child good looking kids. They have been trying for a another for some time, they ran into a road block, tackled the road block and then got pregnant. She has been an encouraging force in my own life. She has told me to fight for my appointment if I believe something is wrong. She has shared her struggles with me. She has been real. And she has been very helpful to me.

Her husband and her found out that the baby was not forming properly and had to make a decision. No one should ever have to make that decision. But we have all been there. I can remember it was a decision that was made for me, within 5 minutes, it was a blur. Only after do you realize that the emotional pain hurts far worse than any physical pain. And while some may not have scars to show our wounds, our heart aches and breaks over and over again.

I am asking you all to send out positive thoughts into the universe, light a candle, remember your struggles and the struggles of others. We are not alone in this journey. There are others out there that have the same path that we are taking. Some fall, we need to help them up. Others Fly, we need to support them.  Please take a moment to remember though and help someone that has fallen and has lost.

Smelly Balls? Or Smelly Hair?

28 Jan

My Name is Mariann and I am an over hair washer. I wash my hair daily because I get oily. Even when I use just a clarifying shampoo and NOTHING else, the next day, I can make french fries in my hair. On Sunday morning Ty and I decided that we would be going to look for a new living room set. Our current set is an off white micro-suede that has become so dirty from animals and a husband that does not take his painting clothes off at the end of the work day that we cannot have it in our newly redone space. It would defeat the purpose of the remodel. Of course, we are going to keep the couch for the basement. Ty is going to try to clean the set again today before we plunk down more money we dont have but I am telling you and everyone on the internet, ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO CLEAN…. You cant use water so you need to use alcohol, its a hot mess. Dont get White Micro Suede unless you want to replace a couch after 6 years.

 

So anyway, in my quest to not wash my hair every day, I decided that I would use my dry shampoo. Dry Shampoo and I have a love hate relationship. I want to love it but I really hate it. It does not make my second day hair look good, it only slightly masks the oil but it at least covers up some of the oil and makes it wearable in a ponytail. I start to spray the dry shampoo and nothing… I am out. Well I improvise and put some powder in my hair and brush it out. I mean, its the same damn stuff basically, talc sucks up oil so what the hell right.

 

Well I come out to the living room and I have powder all down my face and shirt and I tell Ty I will be ready in about 5 minutes. He looks at me and says, “What did you do” and I say, “I used powder to make my hair less oily, I ran out of my dry shampoo.” I am standing there thinking my husband would applaud my frugality but no… he goes, “You used my ball powder in your hair?!?!? Come here, let me smell you”… I walk over, head hanging low, and he smells me . “YOU SMELL LIKE MY BALLS”.

 

Awesome

 

Anyway, we go on with our day. Fast forward to sexy time, considering we are within 4 days of when I think I ovulated last month… its getting alittle rowdy and then Ty sniffs the air. He tells me he is sorry that he smells and that he should have showered although he showered last night. I stop and think for a moment, consider not saying anything but do because I am a good wife, “Its not you, its me, Its my hair”. Tyler then sniffs my hair again and goes “OH YEAH, Your hair totally smells like dirty balls!”.

 

Here’s to sexy time and dirty balls!

 

Cycle Day 6 ClearBlue Easy Monitor 1 Mariann 0

21 Jan

Today is Cycle Day 6 for me and that means I had to pee on a stick and insert it into the monitor today for the first time. Apparently the first month you use the monitor it will ask you to start testing on Cycle Day 6 and then you will test the next 10 to 20 days. Once the monitor learns your cycle then you may be asked to start testing later on in your cycle, like cycle day 9 which would be ideal for me. I wish there was an override button because I would be like “Monitor, I ovulate later, lets not waste these sticks and call it a day”. But you cant.

 

I decided not to temp during my period because it is messy and a hassle and I needed a break from TTC. So I thought that on Cycle Day 6 (which is a VERY light day for my period) I would temp and use the monitor. I thought about using the monitor for the first time all weekend. I was anxious and hopeful and ready to get busy with the pee stick. Unfortunately two things happened… 1. Heartburn unlike any other before started at 1:00am and kept me up pretty much all night. This was a problem because I knew my first temperature of the month would be screwy if I didn’t get at least three hours of sleep.  AND it was screwy, a 98.34 Degrees… I NEVER break 98 until ovulation. I am not discarding it but I made a note indicating NO sleep.

 

So after taking my temperature I got up to pee. I was so thankful that I could actually pee because I worried all night that I wouldn’t be able to pee. If I couldnt pee at home I would have to take the monitor to the office and try to conceal a thing that looks like a rather large kidney bean, it would have been a joke and this is where Issue number Two happened. I pee on the stick and try to put it into the monitor slot and its not working. I panic, I stand up from the toilet  pants and panties down and shuffle over to my closet where I have the instruction booklet and I read:

 

Performing a Test
When your Monitor asks you to perform a test, you remove a Test Stick from its protective wrapper and use it immediately. You take a sample of your urine by holding the Sampling End of the Test Stick pointing downwards in your urine stream for 3 seconds only. Alternatively, you can collect a sample in a clean, dry container and hold the Sampling End in the urine for 15 seconds. It’s important to use the first urine after you wake up, as this contains the highest concentration of hormones.

Next, keeping the Test Stick pointing downwards, you take the cap off the handle and place it over the ‘wet’ end of the Test Stick. You are now ready to insert the Test Stick in the Test Stick Slot of the Monitor as shown in the in-pack Instruction Booklet.

When you have inserted the Test Stick correctly, the Test Stick Symbol will flash for approximately 5 minutes while the Monitor reads and interprets the information from your Test Stick. After approximately 5 minutes, the Monitor will ask you to remove the Test Stick, which you can throw away. The Monitor will now display your fertile status.

 

I skip over a very important part…. YOU TAKE THE CAP OFF THE HANDLE AND PLACE IT OVER THE “WET” END OF THE TEST STICK”. Nope, didn’t see that part, didn’t read it, I swear it did not exist.

 

So I am trying to stick the wet part in… its blinking red at me… the monitor turns off. I panic some more because I am afraid air hitting the urine is going to fuck up the test. I wonder if the test turns off does it go to the next day and then how do i reset it to the day before?!?!? Did I break the $200 monitor. Shit shit shit.

 

We have guests over so I am trying to be quiet. I am shuffling around with my pants and panties around my ankles. I start to whisper “Tyler, Ty, TYLER, TY” but he doesnt answer. I ditch the pants and hope that the bedroom door is not wide open and that our company does not happens to be taking a pee break and sees me pantsless, holding a what looks like to be extra super large kidney bean shaped thing while waving around a stick. I jump into the bed and go “Ty, wake up, turn on the light, I need help, like right now, this is important” Ty springs up and turns on the light and looks at my lovely vagina staring at him as I am frantically trying to wave my monitor and pee stick in his face saying “Its not working, it doesnt fit, did I buy the wrong sticks!” Ty gently takes the pee stick, takes the cap off the one end, puts it on the other enter and gingerly fits it into the monitor. He smiles and then puts my boob back into my v-neck shirt that came out during this ordeal.

 

I walk into the bathroom, turn on the shower… and life goes back to normal.

 

Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor 1, Mariann 0… Til we test again Monitor, Until we test again!

New Cycle New Start

16 Jan

CD1 –

 

I sent my paperwork with my charts from April to the Present off to the OBGYNs office today. I included a health write-up that included the following:

  • Past Pregnancies and Losses and Treatments for the losses
  • Past Sexual History
  • Past Pap Smear results
  • Ty’s Sexual History
  • List of Medications and Vitamins Currently On
  • How my period typically is in length, flow and color
  • Ty’s Lead testing Results from this summer
  • October/November/December OPK results (including Timing of the Tests/If the Line was faint or nonexistent)
  • Lifestyle Notes on Alcohol (none unless on my period), Smoking (none and not around it), Exercise and General well being crap

 

I also included a handwritten letter explaining our situation and why I am concerned. I hope this helps Jennie have a productive conversation with Ty and I on the 30th. I want to go in there and be all on the same page and not have to start from scratch. Maybe I will have to and that’s fine but padding the odds can hurt, right?

 

I did open the Fertility Monitor last night and holy shit is that thing intimidating at first. I started it as day one today… and will start it every morning when I wake up (because you have to do that in a six hour window of time, when you FIRST turn it on and make it day 1, that is your window of time) and do what it tells me. Apparently on Day 6 I will need to test.  I am not doing OPKs this month. I dont feel like spending more money on them and doing them at work is embarrassing especially since one co-worker is really on Baby Watch 2013.  I did read that the monitor is best for people with a 26 to 42 day cycle (warning, the longer the cycle the more sticks you will go through, the normal in a month is ten sticks, so you may need to do 20 with a longer cycle) so I dont know if that helps anyone other there. You also need four AAA batteries to start the thing. And those took me awhile to find because our house is such a mess. I did find them (and mental note, we have Triple As so if one of my toys go dead, I dont need to borrow from the Roku Remote anymore!!! YIPPEEEEE).

 

so thats where we are at in this journey… Borrowed Roku Remote Batteries and all. My Personal Zen is restored, at least for now, knowing that I am starting a new cycle.

 

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