The Struggle Continues and Still is Ever Changing

22 Jan

The struggle with having no luck in the conception department has taken another turn for me. I have a very different feeling than I had a month ago, three months ago, 6 months ago. As I have said before, originally I thought It would take us about 3 months to get pregnant. I don’t know why, but my heart was set on that average three months mark and that passed. Now we are at 6 months of actively trying and about 10 months of me actively trying while Tyler still wanted us to remain childless until a few months after the wedding but I was secretly trying to get pregnant. I say secretively but I mean, Ty knew I was trying to get pregnant and he wasn’t stopping it but would always say “I thought we were waiting” right after having sex.  Anyway, so many emotions have changed from hope to sorrow, joy to impatience and wanting to throwing all our resources into one basket.

This past weekend was a shower for one of Tyler’s Friends from college. We did not attend since we had company up but if we didnt, I am not sure I would have been able to go. Back in June when we started trying there was a conversation over beers with the couple and they said they were just starting to try as well. In July, they told us they were pregnant, very early stages, but they wanted to tell us since they were staying with us for a weekend. Back then, I was happy for her and I still am but I secretly wonder “why not us”.  I know Tyler would have went to the shower because this journey affects him differently.

This past weekend I also saw that a former co-worker is pregnant. I am so happy for her and her husband but I am so sad inside. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, why not us. But I cant. I cant dwell on it either.

There are tons of people who are trying and tons of people who get pregnant and there are tons of people that it never happens too but why oh why does it seem like right now, everyone but me is getting pregnant? I guess it is my age. Back in my mid to late twenties, it was everyone getting married. Right around 29 it was everyone buying houses. Now its everyone having babies or having baby #2 or #3. I am usually about 3 years behind the curve.

My jealously is now a small roar in my heart. My mind often wanders at night as I lay there. I will put my hand on my stomach and send positive thoughts like “work little ovaries work” or “estrogen, you better be present” or “spermies get to your end goal”. I feel silly and I feel small. Everything about trying to have a baby is so much bigger than us right now. Our looming appointment with the doctor is one that could be amazing or could be an amazing horrible up hill battle that Ty and I are unsure we will want to take. I have been thinking about all the possibilities and I still am standing firm that I do not want to do IVF and that we should just start the adoption process should be be presented with IVF options. Tyler would tell me that it is silly to think about things that may never even present themselves to us but how can I not? Tyler also supports me although I am unsure that my mom or his mom will if we decide to adopt. I am not saying that they will not love their grandchild but I am sure they will wonder privately why not keep trying.

 

Along with all these emotions also comes the dull drum of having sex. Ty and I have a purpose during sex. Gone are the days where we would laying in bed all day and have love fests because life has gotten busy. Gone are the nights were we would lay together intertwined because I have to put a damn pillow under my ass or Wilson is having a shit fit. People often wink when I say we are trying and go, you guys are so lucky. I often tell them sex daily is not as glamorous as you would think, after the third month of timing sex, the passion has fizzled.

 

The other night was the first time that I actually enjoyed having sex with my husband. There was no end game of trying to make a baby since we knew I wasn’t fertile. It was nice. It was intimate. It was us together. I hate that our lives have been reduced to segments of fertile and infertile  I actually just lied to you, we had sex because I wanted to see if that would tire me out enough so I could go back to sleep. It didnt work. I told Tyler that the next day after it and he goes “Will we ever have sex just to have sex or are we always using each other?”. That broke my heart. I wanted to have sex with him and I also wanted to go back to sleep. Two birds, meet, one stone.

 

Today is one week until our appointment with the doctor. I am hopeful. I am scared. I want my mom. I wish I knew all this before October of 2010. I am a shitty wife. I am a lucky wife.  I am the friend that has withdrawn. I am the family member that avoids the phone call. I am wrapped up in myself. I am upset with my body. I am  unable to forgive my self. I am at war with myself.

 

I am all things that I never thought I would be.

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4 Responses to “The Struggle Continues and Still is Ever Changing”

  1. R January 24, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    I’ve visited your blog before, but I’ve never left a comment. I wanted to tell you how much I related to your last paragraph. You put into words exactly what I’ve been battling for months. I wish this got easier. I wish there was a guarantee when doctors, medication and bills entered into the picture. It’s really hard. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

  2. fromheretomotherhood January 25, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    I am sorry that you are going through all this. It is a horrible experience and I recently read that the stress of infertility is akin to the stres of having cancer or HIV/AIDS. The part about using each other during sex made me year up because it feels like that for us now too. I worry about making J feel like he is just my sperm donor. I’m definitely not having the fun trying that everyone told me to have. I was worried about my in-laws if we adopt too but at the end of the day they don’t matter. It’s a decision between j and I. I hope that your appointment goes well!

  3. kristenp06 February 1, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    I know what you mean about the sperm donor thing. My husband often says, jokingly of course, that I wouldn’t even need him if I could get the sperm up in there myself. We have been trying SIX YEARS! 6 years. I know that your journey feels like forever but there is a reason the doctors have you wait a year. It’s stupid…I know…but we put so much stress on ourselves that we can cause things not to work. I am really hoping your appointment goes well and you get some answers.
    Don’t feel dumb about putting your hand on your stomach and sending good thoughts. The month I actually got pregnant I put my phone down on my stomach and played George Harrison’s “Got my mind set on you” to my stomach. I may be just a little crazier 🙂

    • maretilton February 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

      that is one of my favorite songs… you have no idea! and I honestly can tell you right now, two years tops for us before we adopt. I wont be able to take my own stress that I put on myself. This is coming from someone that struggled with depression and has a history of mental illness in her family, no way will I ever be able to make it that long. God Bless!

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