Coming to Terms

9 Jan

The other day I had an email come in from CVS that said I had $15.00 in extra bucks to spend. I thought “Awesome! I will buy a Fertility Monitor”. I have been thinking about buying a monitor for the last month or so considering that I am not getting a positive result on my ovulation kits… both kinds, four times a day. Can you see my frustration? I thought that maybe a monitor would help me better understand what my body is doing or is not doing. So I have been looking on amazon and decided that this $15.00 free at CVS would be a reason for me to take the plunge.

Before I did this though, even though the monitor and sticks were in my cart, I spoke with Sarah. Sarah said that I need to wait until I see the doctor on the 30th before spending any more money on this… This being my obsession with having a baby. Then she said that I was consumed by this and its not going to happen for me if I stress myself out like I have been. While normally I would lash out, I heard her out. She continued to say that she thinks I think (you follow that) that everyone is secretly talking behind my back since I havent gotten pregnant and everyone knows we are trying and/or thinks its the next natural thing to do after you get married. She told me that no one cares and that it will happen for Ty and I when its supposed to happen and that I am over thinking it and basically cannot see past trying to have a baby.

She is right. 100% right. My head looks like this

  • Thought – People are expecting it, whether they know we are trying or not. Its implied, you get married, you have kids. Or at least it is in my family. 
  • Dread – I am getting older. 32 in July… that means 35 is around the corner (well not really but ) and I dont want to be lumped into the 35 or older, hard to get pregnant, higher risk category.
  • Thought – Its going to be hard… we have lost before… and it can happen again… and after a loss, its hard to bounce back emotionally. I don’t know how people do it, 3 miscarriages, 6 miscarriages… thats a drain on a persons soul. It took everything in me to get back to a somewhat level/happy place and it took a LONG time for me to get there. And I am still getting there.
  • Thought – I don’t want to screw the pooch at work. Tax season is from Jan to April, Audit Season is from September to December. The women I work with is Retiring in June (this has changed from, whenever you come back from maternity leave, to June) so the front office will need a new hire, a temp, something.
  • Thought – Everyone else is getting pregnant or having their 2nd or 3rd kid. Not that my life is dictated by the bench marks of others but it matters to me. I want to be sharing in that. I want to be a mom.
  • Thought – In reality, I never had a plan for children, I never really wanted one, until I had that positive pregnancy test in my bathroom. Its an addiction. Its an obsession. Its a compulsion.

My Life is consumed by trying to have a baby. Every moment of it for the last almost 6 months, has been. I thought it would be easy at first. I really did think that we would find ourselves in the average 3 month range and pregnant. I never thought that I would have bought as many books as I have, spent hours of my life googling symptoms/disorders/self diagnosing, or telling my husband to rub his balls in order to help stimulate his sperm.  I never thought that the two week wait would mean anything to me. I thought it was silly and foolish at first. People micromanaging their days past ovulation to the point where their lives are broken into chunks of period, amping up, having alot of sex and then waiting. I never thought that I would be facing a doctors appointment where I may find out that I have blocked tubes, Tys sperm count is low, I have a low reserve of eggs or worse… nothing is wrong but its just not happening.

I have not figured out a way to get myself out of his hole. I have fallen and I literally cannot get up. My days go by, some are good and some a bad. I get jealous. I get angry. I blame myself. I shake my fists in the air and ask why.

The appointment on the 30th is going to be hard. As much as I want to figure out what is going on, what if they just tell me, I need to wait the full year before they do anything. What if they tell me they cannot find anything wrong with me. What if they tell me we are unable to have children. What if they tell us our options are few. I haven’t planned ahead to answer any of those questions and normally I do. Normally I have Plan B, C, D, F, H, P, Z figured out. I don’t like making moves without knowing all the possible scenarios and right now, those scenarios are inside of me and Tyler’s body.

I have aged physically. The stress is on my face, in the lines. Its in my pep which has been lost and has turned into irritation and annoyance. Its in my choices, I choose not to drink. I choose not to go out anymore because what if we miss a positive ovulation kit and don’t have a chance to have sex. I choose to lay in bed and not help with the renovation as not to hurt or harm my body. I have lost me.

I miss me.

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4 Responses to “Coming to Terms”

  1. justamassachusettsgirl January 9, 2013 at 10:56 am #

    Oh Mare, I feel for you. Being frustrated and not knowing and feeling all alone in your battle is a place I’ve been (and still am). Hang in there, remember that you aren’t alone and I may be that crazy old childless woman hanging out right next to you in 20 years. It has helped me, and may help you too, to try to find the positives. Like, you will have more time to travel and there won’t be as much strain on your relationship with Ty. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way for your next appointment. Try not to get too discouraged. I say, if neither of us have kids by the time you’re 38 and I’m 35, we plan a blowout vacation to escape our misery together 🙂

  2. Kathryn January 9, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    *Hugs* It does sound like it’s getting to that obsessive/compulsive ~this is a problem and interfering with normal life~ kind of functioning. Can’t say that I wouldn’t be in the exact same place as you, seeing as you and I react similarly to those things. I hope your doctor provides you with some ANSWERS so that you can feel secure in a **plan**. Plans make us feel good. I just hate that you are dealing with this =(

  3. steph50 January 9, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    I know how scary it is when you realize you’ve lost yourself. But that’s the first step to finding some sort of balance. I hope you get answers and peace from your appointment!

  4. fromheretomotherhood January 9, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    Oh I definitely relate to this! I thought that no answers would be the worst, but once I hear low ovarian reserve it was like a bullet to my heart (of course I was never told unidentified so maybe I would have felt the same in that case). I am also a mega planner and I find myself trying to find an affordable, safe, viable option for egg donors almost as if I want an egg donor ready to go if my first IVF shows I have shitty response to stims . . . but it doesn’t work that way. The thought of starting another complicated process from scratch like finding an egg donor or adoption is so scary and overwhelming to me right now and I’m stressing over it even though we aren’t there yet!

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