Ashamed

9 Dec

I turned down holding a beautiful newborn last night because it was just too hard to hold a baby, which I want so badly, only to know that the road ahead of us is long.

I certainly got a few looks. I know that Ty’s family thought I would love to hold the baby but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to cry at the uncertainly ahead of us. Or cry at the unfairness. Or cry in front a bunch on women that are all awaiting us to pop a baby out, or have been waiting since Ty and I started living together back in 2006.

I just couldn’t do it. And the baby was perfect. Beautiful and perfect. And our situation is ugly and imperfect.

I cried this morning laying with Ty because I felt bad that I could ever feel that way. I regret not holding him. But there is nothing I can do to change any of this… Other than forge forward.

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6 Responses to “Ashamed”

  1. SM December 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    Sending hugs and love, sweetie! This journey sucks.

  2. Virginia Griffen December 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    Mare I’m so sorry It will happen Ashley went for 4 year’s before she got pregant. So I really believe it will happen for you and Ty

    • maretilton December 10, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

      Sadly… in 4 years, Ill be over 35 and then that puts me in a new category of issues.

      Ashley’s baby is so perfect though.

      • Virginia Griffen December 10, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

        Thanks Mare and OMG I thought you were like 24 or 25. I would have never guessed you were any older then that at all.

      • maretilton December 10, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

        I wish 🙂 31 and will be 32 in July. 🙂

  3. makinglittlegeekling December 13, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    I am so with you. My cousins are due in January and March and for the first time, I will probably not be going to the hospital to greet their babies. It’ll be WAY too hard. Too painful to think it should have been me just a couple short months later. *hugs*

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