A quickie

6 Dec

This week I have been an emotional weepy mess. A commercial, a song, a viral video about a cat… I get weepy.

I have also been a bitch. An overly sensitive bitch. I don’t like to be that way. It’s not me. So all jokes and funny stories about trying to have a baby aside, I am concerned. I am a mess internally. I am just a ball of frustration, emotion and misunderstanding.

I took today off because I have been overly sensitive at work and because my temperature has started to drop… Which could mean implantation dip or just a regular ovulatory cycle. I am leaning towards just another cycle come and gone.

Ty and I have discussed what our next steps should be and we have discussed what we are willing to do and not do at this point. We decided that we had to get into our obgyns soon because something is just not aligning properly and with our prior ectopic/longer cycles/shorter periods etc we needed answers.

I called the obgyn today and got referred to a triage nurse. We discussed the following:

– no birth control from 2011 on
– trying since May 2012
– actively charting and using OPKs since August
– no prior fertility work up done

The nurse started to say we needed to wait a year and that the doctors would not want to see me. I started to cry on the phone. I also started to think about what Ty would do after I let out a scream as soon as I got off the phone.

I mentioned I was concerned about the following…

– longer cycles and shorter periods (I have been a 33/34 day gal with a full 6 day period forever until now, 35/38 day and 4 day period)
– the ectopic in 2010 was thought to me in my tubes and I thought I should know if there was an issue with my tubes before moving forward and killing ourselves emotionally for the next year
– the elusive positive ovulation kit this month and the continuing faint line on the kits up including today

The nurse then said “oh no we need to get you in here the end of January then”.

Sweet relief. Queue more crying from me. So on Jan 30th, at 3:00pm, I am seeing Jennie Lowell,MD. She specializes in infertility treatments.

I feel bad for taking time during tax season but this is my family. I know my office will understand but I still feel bad taking time during a busy season.

Ty was listening to the conversation as he stapled insulation in the addition. I went to talk to him about it and I just started crying again. I feel like I am letting him down because I know he wants three kids. What if I can’t give that to him? I also feel like people are wondering what’s taking us so long to get pregnant, and I am embarrassed. I feel so much pressure… I used to feel pressure from the woman I work with since she wants to retire when I come back from maternity leave and that is just not happening so she has said June 2013 is her retire date. I’m glad it no longer depends on me. I feel bad for all the nights we have sex when one of us is just not into it and still participates because we have to. I never wanted sex to be a chore. And anyone trying to have a baby knows sometimes its a chore. I wonder if my days of drinking, smoking and having a eating disorder in my teens has caused this. I feel like I am not in control of my body and I am disappointing the people I love.

So tonight I go to acupuncture, I’ll tell Scott I need to relax and let go. Hopefully he will assist me in that area and offer advice that I know I have already heard but need to hear from someone removed from my situation. I’ll come home and try to be a better wife and best friend to Tyler.. A better level headed coworker… And easier on myself.

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10 Responses to “A quickie”

  1. Bear December 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

    I know it’s hard. Not only does infertility bring us heartache, but it also brings fear, guilt, and shame. I was so embarrassed, I felt like I was less of a woman because I couldn’t give my husband kids; and I felt guilty because I felt like I was letting everyone down. I couldn’t make my husband a daddy or my parents grandparents, yet my husband told me he’d rather be childless and be with me than have kids and be with anyone else. I’m so thankful our husband’s love is not conditional of wether or not we can have babies. Hang in there. Maybe January will bring answers.

    • maretilton December 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

      That is the nicest thing I think a spouse has ever said. Honestly. It made my heart melt

  2. SM December 6, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    So sorry, sweetie. K and I always planned on me being a stay-at-home mama once we had a baby. When we started trying I was in a job I hated but I felt like I needed to hang on just long enough to have that baby. It was a lot of pressure. Once we got to the three year mark I said screw it and quit my job and got one that I like a whole lot more. Relaxing a little more didnt help me get pregnant but it did help me be easier on myself. That’s the key. This journey is hard enough. No need to add more stress and pressure to yourself.

    • maretilton December 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

      I do love my job and they are very flexible and understanding. We are encouraged to take time, be family oriented but tax season there is an almost unsaid understanding that work is first. For someone who rarely takes days off, I just need to make that time for us. I need to forgot its tax season and realize, this is our life.

  3. steph50 December 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    SM is right. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We have so little control on our fertility, and you seem to be doing all you can to help yours. So treat yourself to a nice date with your hubby and be good to yourself. You deserve it đŸ™‚

  4. thebabymakingblog December 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    January 31st is right around the corner. I guarantee you’ll feel a little better once you talk to a medical professional in detail. It feels like you’re doing something productive, and may relieve some of the questions you may have.

    • maretilton December 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

      Thanks. The thought of a year wait combined with questions about our previous tubal pregnancy were just too much for us to deal with (well me to deal with and Ty to watch).

  5. fromheretomotherhood December 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

    I really want to hug you and let you cry it all out because sometimes you need to do that. I have felt exactly what you’re feeling. I have been a crying mess and a really irritable bitch through this whole thing. And I can’t promise that I won’t go through those phases several more times throughout this process. You are definitely not alone in your difficulties or your emotions. At the same time, your experience is your own and however you deal with it is ok. I am very happy that you have a doctor’s appointment to look towards. I know that having my RE appointment booked helped me and knowing that I have another one coming up is continuing to help me. Being a mother is thought to be one of the most natural roles us women will ever take on, so when it doesn’t happen quickly, easily, or naturally it is crushing, devastating, demoralizing, and marginalizing. We feel that society and our families expect us to be mothers as soon as we want to. And even harder, we expect to be able to be mothers as soon as we’re ready. Those who don’t go through this don’t really understand it, even when they try. Even our husbands don’t know what we as women experience while dealing with this. It’s not fair and there’s no way to pretend that it is. However, I hope you will believe that if Ty, your family or your friends are disappointed, it is not in you, it is in the situation. You didn’t cause infertility and you aren’t letting anyone down. Your body (and/or Ty’s) is letting you down, but it’s no one’s fault. There is hope though as people beat statistical odds all the time and medicine has found ways to help us. You will be a mom, but the uncertainty, longing, and waiting are often too much to bear. Please know that I’m here with you and for you.

    • maretilton December 7, 2012 at 11:37 am #

      Thank you. I feel so much better today.

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