Unsexy time

24 Nov

As we move into the fertile window, Ty and I try to be consistent with alone time. Even though nothing is going on with the OPK kit, we think its important to do it both TTC wise and for intimacy/relationship wise.

Side bar, looking at all the fertility friend charts where they get pregnant from doing it once makes me feel like we can’t time anything for shit. I know that’s not the case, 20% window of chance… Blah blah blah but for three months of an angry beaver (vagina) that wants a rest after ovulation time it makes me damn angry.

So we try to be consistent and do it about every other day the week or so before ovulation and then it’s on – be like bunnies. This morning my alarm goes off at ten minutes to six, the thermonitor goes in, I record, we go back to bed. About twenty minute later, you know when you just about fall back asleep, I feel Alittle poke. I ignore this. Your chance was twenty minutes before dude. Then he starts rubbing my arm and snuggling against me… As I am about to say wait until 7:30 (our wake up time) he Farts. Sorry for the poor quality on that video.

A loud one. One that rustles the blankets. He then proceeds to snuggle again. Hold up wait a minute… Are you seriously trying to do that after farting… Like without skipping a beat?

I tell wait til after 7:30 and that airs out.

Then at about 7am Ty’s parents text him that they are coming down to help with the kitchen remodel (roof almost on and it’s almost fully enclosed). Soooo I turn over and say “get it in” and Ty and I get it in with about two minutes to spare before his parents drive up our driveway. They get up at 5am, we obviously don’t.

I have thought about mentioning to Ty how farts, danky fart bedroom smell and sex do not mix or help get me there if you know what I mean. You would think that he would know that, that farts and sex don’t mix. Now I know that I have had butt stank and I have farted during sex but here is why that is okay….

1. Butt stank, I have acknowledged and apologized for the smell. It also does not happen every morning, it’s maybe twice a year if that.

2. Farthing during sex never results in a smell. He’s just pushing so much air into me that it needs to come out. Again this maybe happens once every three months.

His farting is probably every other day… Almost every morning after I get up to shower, when I go to kiss him goodbye, the bedroom has a smog of farts to it. He has even been kissing me goodbye, only to fart… To which Ty says “save yourself, run”.

My farting usually takes place on the couch or on the toilet, which Ty hates because he says the sound echoes, rarely in the bed itself (of course outside of farting in my sleep). Why can’t his?

Funny side note, I am writing this on my iPhone and apparently apple hates the word fart. Fart has come up as Farr, duck, dart, Farquhar and FAQ. What gives??? Do they hate farts in the bed as much as I do??? Because that’s where I am writing this from, the bed… 😉 have a great weekend!


9 Responses to “Unsexy time”

  1. stupidstork November 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    Greetings from ICLW!

    True story, I’m pretty sure it’s an understood International Law that farts and sex have to have at least 30 minutes between them. I think there’s the same logic behind that one as it is the law that states you have to have a certain amount of distance between your bathroom and your kitchen.

    I kind of love that it auto-corrects it to Farquhar… Isn’t that the evil guy from the Shrek movies? Makes it sound much more dignified.

    • maretilton November 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

      I thought it was a place in the Middle East lol

  2. Jennifer November 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Hi from ICLW. You are hilarious! 🙂

  3. nobodysperfick November 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    I laughed like a pre-pubescent boy throughout this entire post.

    • maretilton November 24, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

      That comment made my entire month! Glad to bring the laughs

  4. SM November 25, 2012 at 12:27 am #

    Oh. My. God. Best post ever to come across during ICLW! I just about spit my tea all over the computer screen! You’ve got another follower for sure!

  5. Amber November 25, 2012 at 4:16 am #

    Oh how I enjoyed this post! My husband wakes up every morning ripping a good one. Every. Morning. Thanks for the laugh and for keeping it real.

  6. Slynn November 26, 2012 at 2:35 am #

    Hey, just visiting from ICLW#44. What is it with guys and farts? Ewww!

  7. cindysn November 26, 2012 at 7:52 am #

    Hi from ICLW…this post is HYSTERICAL!!!

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