A Thankful Negative Nancy?

21 Nov

Is that even possible to be a thankful negative anything? Anyway… I am very thankful during this holiday season. I have a wonderful blessed life filled with great family and friends, health (for the most part, nothing major going on here), shelter, food, love and employment. I have many things that many do not have. I think I am most thankful for family and friends and the love they provide. Being married is wonderful (EVERYONE has the right to be married to whomever they want to be married to, just my two cents), being married into a family that loves me is beyond anything anyone can ask for. We all hear or know stories of awful in-laws, this is not the case for me. Although I am very different from the family that I married into, they see me as one of them… They are working boots, I am high heels. They are four wheeling, I am riding in a limo… They are fishing, I am asking the waiter to crack my lobster for me… They are loud and opinionated.. I am… The same. It works.

One of the nicest things so far, which really touched me and maybe its just because I am in a wierd place in my cycle, one of the Cousins tagged me in a Facebook post saying how much she loves her family… And I am technically only family by marriage but she sees me a family. Period. Dot. Family. That was awesome and made me alittle teary.

 

So this week, as we get ready to celebrate thanksgiving – and no I am not going home to Philly to see  my mom (I am a horrible daughter I know) – I am reminded that even on dark days or days where I feel as if I am alone or not good enough or not up to par, my family loves me. So does yours. Family is not always the people that are related to you. Some of my best family members are friends, friends from Grade School or High School or College or even work friends. Its funny how friends start to become like brothers and sisters, parents etc… as you get older. Also, I am finding a family here on WordPress. People going through the same things as we are… and they can relate and they send hugs and thoughts and encouragement… I see them as family.

 

So while I am being all Thankful and Grateful why the Negative Nancy? Well… my husband, god bless his wonderful huge heart (among other things if you catch my drift, yes I am being dirty) … is a forever and always optimist. I am more of a realist. Okay, I do err on the side of a pessimist sometimes but I really try to see things how they are and maybe get alittle too sensitive about them but whatever. So Ty is always positive.

This morning I mentioned 4 more people announced they were pregnant yesterday and I was alittle bummed. He started with “You know…” And I cut him right off because I really was not feeling this “You know, you should be excited because it will happen to us and we need to stay positive and good things will come” prep talk he always gives me. While he is RIGHT, I just don’t want to freaking hear it. So I cut him off and say yes I know stay positive, light at the end of the tunnel, don’t know their stories, it will happen, blah blah blah. He then goes “No I wasn’t going to say that… I was going to say, I dont know why it affects you so much, I see thin people on FaceBook and I don’t feel jealous of them because they are thin and I am not”.

 

Hold the phone.

 

1. My husband is not THIN but he is not Fat. I also did not entertain his little conversation with saying “Honey you are not fat” because this is just ridiculous, don’t fish for compliments during this discussion.

 

2. Being Thin and Being Pregnant VERY different responses in the body. As someone that struggled with weight issues and now is struggling with getting prepgant, I can tell you… The wanting to be thin and the wanting to be pregnant evoke very different emotional responses. I am not discounting the fact that some people probably do have the same emotional responses to wanting to be thin as wanting to be pregnant. I am not arguing that point because I know people die to be thin. But in this case, between Tyler and Myself… Thin and Pregnant, not on the same level. No Sir

 

3. It affects me because it is something I have no control over. If my husband feels as if he needs to lose weight, we can not have that bowl of ice cream after dinner, we can change our meals and we can work out alittle bit more. Notice that I say We… because it is OUR household, we do this together. Pregnancy is a crap shoot. Seriously people. Its amazing how awesome I was at NOT GETTING PREGNANT for the last 4 years I have been off birth control and using the “pull out” method compared to how much I suck at getting pregnant. And Getting pregnant also involves WE but actually having implantation and then staying pregnant, thats all me. Not him. He can rub my belly, send good vibes my way but it is my body that works alone on that.

 

4. I still see his comment as not getting the emotion behind what I am saying/feeling. As I have mentioned before it stings to see that baby bump but I am happy for the couple. The Sting is a feeling wanting, yearning, frustration, sadness, loss, determination, aggravation, missing alcohol/caffeine, just saw your ex for the first time with another person sting.

 

While I understand that Ty was trying to point out that we cant compare our lives to others, I felt invalidated. Maybe that makes me an negative nancy. I know he is trying to find a balance within in, pull me out of the funk. I need to see that more but I emotionally go to “Fuck you Dude”.  I am also not comparing my life (although I was when people were buying houses and getting married like three years ago). This time, I really am not comparing my life.

 

I think social media really brings alot more of the keeping up with the Jones mentality but in a very different, oddly skewed and very dysfunctional way. Its not about seeing what others have, its about the measurement of how many others are in one boat and you may be in the other. Of course, this is so first world problems. We have starvation, war, poor education out there. But my first world problem is everyone else but me syndrome. And yes, I would jump off that bridge as long as my friends didnt die doing it first. Who doesnt want to feel included, feel normal.

 

Normal is such an abnormal word. Nothing is normal, there is no norm all across the world. Nothing happens eactly the same to every person at the same time across the world. Each person comes into the world different, each person even if they are twins living in the same household has a different upbringing… everyone has their own experiences yet we are taught to make sure it doesnt deviate too much from the masses.

 

Side bar – I am one of those people that must get in line, if a line is forming, even if I do not know what the line is for. Lines to me are organized, precise, formed, sure directional things. When in line I think about the other people in line… we are in line together. Together equals a happy place for Mariann. I know this is a problem and there are lines that I have stood in that I shouldnt have…  I do avoid lines at the supermarket though. Isnt that funny?

 

So anyway, this rambling post in a few sentences is that I am thankful for my life, my past, my present and my future but I really want a fucking baby like 5 minutes ago. 🙂

 

Happy Thanksgiving! I will post about my Acupuncture appointment (today at 5:30) probably on Friday morning. Fingers crossed, in the next week or so, hopefully the big matching lines show up on the ovulation stick and we start the wonderful, awesome, super great two week wait 🙂

 

 

 

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7 Responses to “A Thankful Negative Nancy?”

  1. Kathryn November 21, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    You know, I think it’s perfectly okay to want to be validated by your spouse. Men (and other people too) often want to “fix” our problems, rather than just let us vent. In the past I have complained to my spouse about my mother and her food issues and my spouse will be like “I think you are oversensitive” and I am like LOOK, All I want you to say is “Yeah, that sucks, I’m sorry” and then I will feel better!
    Especially in your situation, yea you might get bummed out and sad when you see pregnancy announcements, but YOU’RE NOT OFF YOUR ROCKER. You balance out yourself. You are rational. You have an awareness of the things your husband wants you to be aware of. So, I think to want him to just hug you and say “I’m sorry” is WELL DESERVED! 🙂 If you were a crazy person going and slashing pregnant people’s car tires or spraying super glue in pregnant women’s hair, that would be another story.

    • maretilton November 21, 2012 at 11:54 am #

      You just took Crazy to an entirely different level – Spraying Super glue in pregnant women’s hair. WOW.

      But it is very true what you said, trying to fix the problem. Thank you for reminding me of that. I used to bitch about my old job and when I switched to my current job and would have a bad day and vent Tyler would get all upset thinking that I wanted to quit which was NOT the case. I was just venting. I forget that people are different and see situation differently so my vent to me is just that… my vent to Tyler is Defcon 5 high alert for irrational behavior.

      And really its just a sting in my stomach not a psycho knife moment in my head when I see those new baby bumps. I probably should also mention that… Its only the first time I see the baby bump that I feel the sting, after that, Im Like “AWWW Pregnant lady looks so cute”. Oh if I could only remove myself from Facebook… but I cant… cause I am addicted… Highly addicted.

  2. fromheretomotherhood November 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    The whole first part sounded like it could be written by me. Comparing myself to my in-laws would be the same as you did. Also, the realist/pessimist part. I completely get how you feel about the facebook posts and how Ty’s comments would make you feel invalidated. I’m sure he meant well, but in that moment it certainly doesn’t help. In my experience men have a harder time getting the nuances of our feelings (they seem to be more practical and to stick to the primary emotions: happy, angry, sad, disgust, fear, guilt/shame).

    • maretilton November 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      I think Ty sticks to happiness, hunger, cuddling, and relaxation 🙂

      And glad to know we are of the same pea pod 🙂

  3. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) November 21, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    Hi from ICLW. Hope you have a good thanksgiving. So glad that your family that you married into loves you.

  4. Azara November 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    A blogging family is a great thing. I was impressed with how you thought out your reaction to your husband’s comment. I would have just been like, wtf – they are not the same thing at all!

    Visiting from ICLW.

  5. ThoughtProvokingMoments November 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    Stopping via ICLW & wishing you a very happy holiday season!
    Bree 🙂

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