Its hard to see baby bump after baby bump

18 Nov

It is… It really is hard to see baby bump after baby bump on Facebook. I have thought about disconnecting myself from my account but cant… I am a poor keep in toucher so I would totally loose 80% of my friends, seriously.

Even on days where I feel super positive about a cycle, a new baby bump photo seems to get me down. I am very happy for the newly pregnant parents, I am. Its a wonderful journey and I do wish them the best. My difficultly has morphed from a temper tantrum to a small internal woe is me attitude. I know I shouldn’t be that way.

Ty reminds me that I do not know everyone’s story. That maybe they have been trying for months, lost a baby etc… And he is right, I don’t know but what I do know is that they are pregnant and I am not. And that’s hard to face sometimes. I think the hardest for me to face are the newlyweds that get pregnant shortly after their wedding day… That is what I wanted and I know that I need to let that go. 6 months from our wedding day is not a huge amount of time, but I had hoped to have a baby in May when we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. I don’t know where that time frame came from. I also do not know why I am in such a rush … besides the fact that people have been asking us to pop out kids for years now, that I am 31 and I am an very impatient person.

As each month passes the jealously, if you will, greatly lessens. I don’t know if its because I am coming to terms more and more that getting pregnant is not going to be super easy for us or I am becoming numb. Sometimes you need to become numb to fully let go. Even though the jealously is less, the pain is still deep. Not only do I long for the day to be a mom, but I also long for the day where I can stop worrying about ovulation and when I am going to get my period. Dont get me wrong, I know there are many more worries that come with a pregnancy, then a child but I would love to worry about something different for a change.

Each baby bump is different for me… each evokes a different emotion. Some make me sad, others make me long, some make me angry, some make me go into hole and die. They all do make me feel joy though. Its just a mix.  When a baby is born and I see their first photos – I feel all joy, no mix.

Ty often says seeing people get pregnant or having a baby gives him excitement and hope. He skips over the part of woe is me or why not now… he just sees the future that we will have one day and it makes him more excited. I wish he could transfer that ability to me. Other days I wish I could smack his little optimism out my front door so that I dont feel so down as a person.  I actually avoided going to a psychic or having my aura read in Salem because a. ty would have killed me and b. because I was afraid all they would see is black. Black because I want a baby that bad and I cant seem to get myself out of that funk.

Ty and I were talking with his brother and hes like “wow i didnt know it was that hard for someone to get pregnant” and Ty corrected him and said “some women, you look at them and they are pregnant and others it just takes longer”. I wish I was the first kind of women, not the latter.

I never thought I would feel such emotion to a photo on facebook. Its a worse feeling than seeing your ex with someone else for the first time (admit it, even if you broke it off, the first time you see them with someone else is a buzz kill).  The feeling is almost like an emotional pit sucking my heart in my stomach, there is no other way to describe it.

I can only imagine how this feels for people who have put having a baby on hold.

It is also funny that when people at work talk about attending a shower or that someone they know is pregnant, it hurts me. Part of me wants to get up and avoid the conversation. Part of me wants to scream “I dont want to hear it shut up”. Part of me wants to cry. But I know those are not very logical reactions and that I need to continue to deal with my emotions but they are very real emotions.

I know I will get shit for saying this but my hardest most stabbing pain is when I hear about people who are heavy into drugs or alcohol or on a bad path and they all the sudden find themselves pregnant. I totally have an internal melt down which I know is not right. No one deserves a child more or less than anyone else. But seriously, come on…. Please know that I am well aware that I am being SUPER judgmental here. I apologize but I am trying to be honest with myself, with you and with my own emotions.

Even if the day comes when I can announce that we are pregnant I know there is someone out there that will feel that drain in their heart. My heart hurts more for them. That ache is an ache that is not easily treated.

So I am going to let my pity party for one go on for another 10 minutes and then I am moving on… I promise you and myself.

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3 Responses to “Its hard to see baby bump after baby bump”

  1. fromheretomotherhood November 18, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    This post made me think about so many things:
    1) I used the hate the thought of even waiting 6 months to get pregnant, then a year, and now I am actually feeling comfortable with the hope that I’ll be pregnant one year from now (which would make it just over 2 years of TTC altogether – the thought of which brought me to tears before). Even though my desire for a baby and to be a mother has only intensified, my timeline has loosened. I guess I have finally learned that none of my planning and attempts at control have worked.
    2) I totally get you on the part about people who are into drugs and alcohol. If those people turn their lives around once they are pregnant, then good for them and all the power to them. It’s the ones who continue to make poor choices and put their children at risk that really get me. I have a bit of that going on in my extended family at the moment and when I really think about it, it infuriates me.
    3) I recently overheard a conversation at work. A new intern, who is a lesbian, is trying to get pregnant and so is her partner. They are just going to see who gets pregnant first. The whole conversation made it sound like having a baby is as easy as going to the corner store and picking one up. And because they can both carry a baby, it doubles their odds so I felt certain that I would hear about their pregnancy announcement before I could make one myself. I then came to learn that they have been trying for over a year. I feel bad that they are also struggling, but comforted at the same time (selfish I know).
    4) Facebook announcements usually make me extremely jealous too, but I know I will make one once I finally can. At the same time, I almost feel like I have to acknowledge our struggle in it or else I’ll be making someone else out there feel like they are the only one and everyone else gets pregnant as soon as they try (which is how I always feel when I see an announcement). However, I can see my husband thinking I’m being a downer by focusing on our struggle rather than the joyous fact that we are pregnant (ps I used to think “we are pregnant” was mega lame and now I say things like “when we are pregnant” all the time).

  2. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse November 21, 2012 at 3:32 am #

    Hello from ICLW … I can understand totally how it makes you feel. I closed my Facebook account and it was among one of the best things I could have done for my sanity. Yes, I miss keeping in touch casually with people I otherwise wouldn’t, but the mental health benefit made up for it.

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