Trying to keep up with the Jones

7 Nov

Well, not exactly but I am trying to keep up with someone… my imaginary pregnant self.

Every morning at 5:50am I wake up, shut off my alarm, reach for my thermonitor… wait for the three beeps… grab my phone and enter my temperature in my fertilityfriend.com app. Then I proceed to stare at my chart for ten minutes, with one eye closed, under the covers as not to wake Tyler with the light from my phone and I ponder.

I then go about my day until work starts to settle a bit and then I start to wonder some more… I turn to the fertilityfriend.com chart comparison and try to find charts that look like mine and are deemed pregnant. I try to compare my temperatures… my symptoms… everything but I get nothing. I cant see any correlation. Am I looking too hard, do I not know what I am reading?

As I go through my symptoms versus others, I see everyone has sore boobs… sadly mine are not. I believe I cant be pregnant this month.Was my nose bleed a real nose bleed or was it just because I was picking my nose when no one was watching? Was my gas due to pregnancy or due to the chinese food I ate last night?

I look for people X days past ovulation with positive tests and sneer at the people who are 7 days past with a positive test… Why is that not me? I then find comfort that most people are in the 11 to 14 days past ovulation when they see the first sign of a positive test, I see a glimmer of hope.

I then browse over to Countdowntopregnancy.com and start looking at other peoples positive tests. This gets me no where expect down a dark hole of trying to have a baby but nothing seems to be working…

Every month seems to have a different two week wait. The first month was a two week wait with daily, hourly conversations of if I was pregnant or I must be pregnant if… The next month was less talking and more googling… the following months have become more inward prision sessions. The other night I was sitting on the couch when I put my head under the blanket that was around me. After a few minutes Ty asked if I was smelling my own farts… sadly, I was, but I had a secondary mission of trying to sort out the thoughts in my head… As I pulled my head up out of the blanket, I giggled and admitted I was smelling my farts and then became somber again… Ty told me to stop being so in my head. If I could, I would. I rather not be in my head.

In my head I go to a room called “Baby Maybe” where I have baby names, cute announcements picked, how we are going to ask people to be godparents, nursery schemes… everything picked out. I also have a rocking chair where I can emotionally sit and think. As I stare in this room, it gets larger and more emptier as the days go by.

I try my best to be positive but it gets hard when you are waiting for a period to come or not come… and if it does not come, is it because I am pregnant or because my body is playing hide and go seek with me.

 

I took a pregnancy test last night(A real, legit First Response One) and it was negative. I told Tyler and he was sad and told me to wait until I miss my period to test. I told him that I do not feel pregnant and that I know something is wrong. Our 2010 pregnancy was such a fluke… a drunken night of partying with pulling out… If it was so easy then why not now? I dont have a heavy heart after seeing that negative but now my waiting has focused on when my period will start (and if I can drink a glass of wine for our anniversary on the 12th). I have a concern though. So does Ty. He responded that he would go get a Semen Analysis this month, regardless if it is covered by insurance or not. I feel that since we have not been trying for a year that maybe his doctor will shoot that idea down. But i know something is not right. I personally think I ovulate and I have pretty consistent periods but I think there is an egg quality or sperm issue. Maybe I am not hospitable to Tys little guys. I dont know…

 

But once my period does come… maybe in two days… I know I will put on my focused hat and I vow to be a better symptom tracker… timing nag… better wife. I know that Ty and I have been on shaky ground during the month. I know I am inner focused and forget about smiling and enjoying life. I know its taxing on him. I also feel as if I am letting him down. He wants a big family… What if I cant give that to him.

 

I know that we will have a baby some day… maybe not the way I thought we would but someday we will have a child in our life. I need to remember that… I need to see that as a big picture, not just a picture of my fertilityfriend.com chart.

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4 Responses to “Trying to keep up with the Jones”

  1. Lauren D. November 7, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Hey Mare- I have been reading your blog and I must say its awesome! I love that you are so open and honest- that takes a lot of courage! You are a very gifted writer as well!

    Anyway, I wanted to just tell you my experience with pregnancy. My daughter was a bit of a suprise ;). I had NO pregnancy symptoms until a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I still don’t understand women who have symptoms like the day after they ovulate- that’s just crazy to me (based on my own experience that is). My only symptom was depression and anxiety. I actually made an appointment with a psychiatrist bc I thought I was going crazy lol. Then something told me to take a pregnancy test. I never really tracked my cycle to the day but I do know I did not get a positive test until I was late… Like up to a week late!

    It’s easy to read other people experiences and feel discouraged I’m sure. But I am here to tell you, I had no symptoms and did not test positive until I was,for sure, late! I was also told there was a good possibility that i would not ever be able to have children and I have a happy, healthy five year old!

    She is quite the miracle baby. Not only was I told there was significant chance I would not have children, I also started bleeding during my first trimester. It had some fancy shamacy medical term but basically there was a tear in the sac/uterine lining and that there was a 50/50 chance that it would heal on its own or that I would misscarry. It was very scary! I then found out that I am a Cystic fibrosis carrier- left on my answering machine, none the less and her father had no insurance or money to be able to be tested to see if he was a carrier as well.

    Then around 25 weeks, due to stress. I went into preterm labor and was given this wicked medication to stop it at the hospital and had to be monitored weekly for a while. And guess what?!? She turned out to be 9 days LATE!!

    So I just wanted to share my story to remind you that every pregnancy is different and God really does work in crazy ways!!! It might be helpful to try not to compare yourself to other people, our minds are so complex and it’s easy to psyche ourselves out if our experience doesn’t look like someone else’s. Trust me, I know it is easier said the done- not pregnancy related but other things and I found it put things in my head, made me feel symptoms I didn’t have before reading and often discouraged. But I also understand the flip side of it helping you feel less alone!

    Everyone has thier own journey in life, some people seem to have the easy road, while others trudge along. But just know everything works out the exact way it was meant to be. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and we just have to accept and trust that we are right where we are supposed to be in life! I have no doubt that you will be a mommy some day- and you will be a wonderful one at that. And your child will be loved beyond measure!

    So my advice, just relax and enjoy the journey and know things happen the way it’s supposed to and you are right where you need to be. Enjoy your journey and trust that you will be holding your baby one day. At the same time, don’t compare yourself to others and that EVERY pregnancy is different- even your own multiple ones! ! You’re talking to a no symptom( until well in the 1st trimester), doctors told me there was a high probability of never concieving, 50/50 chance of miscarage, preterm labor and a baby that was 9 days late mama here!

    Have faith, trust the process and enjoy this journey called life knowing that all will happen just when it’s supposed too. It may not seem like that right now, but trust me, hindsight is 20/20! Take care Mare and lots of baby dust ;). Hope that helped even a little and if you ever need to talk or even just vent..I am a call/text/email/ FBmsg away πŸ™‚ xoxoxo

    • maretilton November 7, 2012 at 9:40 am #

      Can I just come down to PA and Hug the shit out of you! Thank you for that. I try to remind myself everyone is different and try not to compare. I have thought about logging off for awhile but then I feel as if I wont have a place to air my daily crap πŸ™‚

      When you mentioned CF, I had no idea. I dont know if you recall Sophomore year when I lost my friend/cousin Ali to CF. It was so difficult. And that was the second child that her parents lost to CF. It is very dear to me and I wish I would have know that you were going through that. I cannot imagine having to hear that on your answering machine, that is so cold. Another NA girl was told her son would have downs… It was retracted three weeks later as a misreading, If I recall correctly.

      Alexis is beautiful and very much like you πŸ™‚ You can see her personality in the photos you take. I know you have struggled and I hope, as you are here for me, you know I am here for you.

  2. fromheretomotherhood November 7, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    I relate so much to the Baby Maybe space and certainly the rocking chair for pondering/worrying/obsessing. As hard as it is, and as much as I’ve gone against my own advice, I’d advise against symptom checking. Lots of people have either no symptoms when they are first pregnant or the symptoms are the same ones they get leading up to their period too. I have fooled myself into wholeheartedly believing I was pregnant twice now because of symptom checking. If you’re pregnant, you will be even if you don’t track symptoms. Unfortunately we can’t will or think a baby into existence (oh but I wish we could). If anything, the stress of symptom tracking could have an adverse affect. I agree with tracking ovulation and doing all you can to get pregnant, but there’s also something to be said for stress reduction. Again, easier said than done and I definitely need to take my own advice. I don’t believe that simply chilling out is going to solve all issues, but it can only help. Believe me, I get what you’re feeling. I feel it most of the time too, but I know that the constant rumination and speculation aren’t healthy for me or my marriage.

    • maretilton November 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

      Yes, I know… its just so hard especially as you get closer to your period.

      Its so easy to compare though and so hard to get out of your own head.

      I think the issue with me is that I was pregnant once and it was such a blur. I was working at the stressful job during tax season with no staff… So I missed symptoms, if I had any (the boobs hurting ALOT tipped me off even though I had a small period two weeks after my original – again, I thought stress or something). By the time I took a test I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant and felt fine, but I dont know if that was because I was ectopic or what.

      Its just confusing. I know you can related. And I appreciate it. Its so nice to know other people feel the same way as I do.

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