Remember, if the baby is a boy, put the new diaper over the Penis

17 Oct

Good to know… because I didnt. I know that little boys pee alot during changing but I thought you used a cone or a cup (red solo cup?) or something.

So Tonight, I may be babysitting for only an hour, Sarah’s nephew. He’s about 3 and 1/2 months old. An hour, no problem right?


Hells yeah there is a problem. I am an only Child. I never had a baby anything to watch or hold or anything. My interactions always consisted of kids my age. My babysitting years always consisted of the brats that lived diagonal down the street from me and they were in 2nd and 3rd grade while I was in 7th or 8th (and those fuckers were ANIMALS, locked me out of the house, had an odd obsession with power rangers so I was constantly being kicked and punched, it was awful)

I know I have written about this before but all these fears are now becoming a reality.

Bottom line – I have no idea how to deal with a baby. I did promise Sarah that I wouldn’t drop it but I did google how to babysit a newborn and how to hold a newborn.


Maybe I should have thought about this shit before trying to have a baby. I know jack crap about babies. I assumed you learned all this stuff when you went to the classes (which thinking about it, I have no idea what the classes are called but I think you learn how to bring your kid home, nurse, swaddle and all that jazz). Tell me there are classes, like in the movies and on Rosie Popes show “Pregnant and in Heels”.


So thus far I have learned the following from Google:

  • Cover the penis with a clean diaper while changing to avoid spray-age
  • How to Cradle Hold, Football Hold, Lap Hold, Shoulder Hold
  • Baby’s have nooks and crannies Like English muffins and you need to clean them very well when changing or bathing
  • If a baby cries with an “N” sound, its normally hungry PER OPRAH, who has no kids… but its oprah so she knows stuff right
  • If a baby cries with an “eaaahhh” sound, you need to burp it. And Burping is really a rub not a pat (Eaaahhh sounds like a sound you would make to make a horse move, but thats just me!)
  • If the kid cries and cries, try putting it in the shoulder hold (sounds very WWE like to me), make the SHHHH sound and have it face a blank wall. Kids can get over stimulated apparently.


I feel somewhat prepared…. Ill let you know how it goes.





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