Keep calm and continue road tripping

9 Sep

Ty and I are currently driving from Philly to Vermont. I did have a flight back but Ty was jump seating on his brothers buddy passes, but the flights were over sold. We decided to drive back together and I cancelled my flight.

I have been reading “the girlfriends guide to pregnancy” and I have been holding back tears. I really doubt Ty wants to be driving and deal with me crying.

I want to cry because the book was helpful, answered questions, and told me things that I needed to know… But in the back of my head I think what If this never happens for us. The author tried to conceive for three years before her first child (she has three in all). Three years. That will break me. I know people try far longer. Endure much more. But I’m being selfish. I have a plan how to announce my possible pregnancy in the third month for every month. I have an idea for the baby room. I have the idea of how ty and I will celebrate after the blood tests confirm things are okay. I have a path to walk In my third month. I have so much, yet I have nothing yet. It’s frustrating.

Also I know my optimism and pessimism depends very much on how many pregnant people I see in a day, amount of sleep, food intake and a bunch of other random things. Today is a negative day. As much as I fear what I just read in that book, I don’t have a reason to feel fear because I am not pregnant, nor is it guaranteed that I will ever be pregnant.

I actually tried to keep the two books I brought with me on this trip hidden from my mom. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I think she may ask too many question. Or not ask any. Or think its a waste of time since we have experienced loss before. I write a blog, the world can read this, but I didn’t want to tell my mom. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel as if I got passed over for no reason, why is this difficult for me? What did I do?

Maybe I should stick with not reading past the 5 th week until, if and when, we are lucky to say we are pregnant. Until then… I’ll sit here with my sunglasses on, trying not to cry. But I probably will when Ty and I go to bed tonight.

I promise a much lighter funnier post in Tuesday (I’m taking tomorrow off since its Sarah’s first day at my firm). The post will involve baby bubbles (you know when babies make farting noises and blow little bubbles with their mouths) but it wasn’t a baby making those noises or blowing those bubbles. It’s good. It’s honest. It’s tmi so skip if you are squeamish.


5 Responses to “Keep calm and continue road tripping”

  1. Alexis September 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    How long have you been trying Mare?

    • maretilton September 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      Casually since May. Go time, started last month actively trying. Meaning casually just letting things flow May til August. Then in August we really made an ahem effort to conceive.

      We had a false positive in June. Ectopic in October of 2010.

      Regular cycles. No history of anything to indicate we would ever be ectopic but we were.

      I also am very impatient 🙂

      • Alexis September 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

        Did you start by just doing the normal counting of days? You can never really go by what other people do so clearly I won’t give advice because we just got lucky I assume. We were not trying to stop it for a few months then I actually started paying attention (which I can tell you’re doing lol) and then it worked. I was like um I must be missing something because everyone has like ten kids! But it appears you know way more than I did!

      • maretilton September 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

        I have been tracking my period since I got my iPhone lol. So I know my cycles. As for ovulation I started with a week kit last month and got nothing. This month I got a full month kit. I’m not sure when I ovulate because when the calendar said I should, the kit was coming up negative. I also do not get cramping during ovulation or anything. But I have a regular cycle, nothing too long or too short. I can pinpoint the day I should get it and all that good stuff. You guys are lucky, H is so handsome and minus the not sleeping, it looks like you have a great family. Next time we are around we should all have dinner, I think we would all have a blast.

        I’m going to need you to make us a calendar if and when it happens. The one you made for your hubby was EPIC.

  2. Alexis September 9, 2012 at 10:36 pm #

    I think those kits are confusing!!! I feel like I googled how to make babies.. and someone said you try such and such days after the first day of your period… I counted.. and waaalah. (I made this spelling up) I told Dan it would take forever… and so many people had such a hard time… it could take years! He was hoping it was going to take longer lol But it sounds like your period is very regular.. and it happened before… I wouldn’t worry… I bet you’ll be perfectly lucky too.

    Hunter is beautiful…. we are blessed to have him.

    I feel we would get along. I said all the time while pregnant he better be really cute, because my cat was the best and I doubt I’d love something more than her. Luckily… he’s good looking so it all worked out.

    I look forward to following your journey 🙂

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