Always Double Bag- ALWAYS

1 Sep

I reuse my target bag by pooping in it.

I.AM.SERIOUS.

So I am driving from Vermont to my mom’s house in Philadelphia on weekend, alone. Ty stayed in Vermont. I left after work so I was on 87 in the evening, stuck in traffic. They were widening the lanes so its about a 45 minute stand still wait at 10:00pm…. I had to pee. Now I could have gotten out of my car, crossed the two lanes, peed in the woods. But I think people would have noticed. I could have tried to squat out of my car door but the people behind me probably would see. I was at a loss and my bladder was FULL. I decided to use my Dunkin Donuts Ice Coffee Cup to pee into. I pulled down my panties (it was summer so I was in shorts) and then squatted onto my drivers seat and put the cup directly under my lady parts. Now I couldn’t pee TOO much because I didnt want to over flow. My Saturn (Rest In Peace Green Saturn, I love you) had cloth seats so over flow was not an option. So I just released alittle. It made me feel better. In hindsight, I could have dumped it out and then went again but I didnt. I just peed alittle… put the cup back in my cup holder and waited til traffic moved. I empted the cup at my moms house, four hours later.

That was driving down to Philadelphia.

Driving Back, we had another bathroom break.

If you have every been to PA/NJ/DE you know WAWA. Its the best place on earth – next to target. We have neither in Vermont. It’s horrible.

I usually stock up on food for the ride home. My snacks look like this

  • Pepperoni and Cheese with Crackers
  • Two Cow Tails
  • Two Cream Cheese Filled Pretzels
  • One Regular Soft Pretzel
  • Shortie BLT extra pickles, no mayo, little oil, Salt
  • Two Diet Wawa Half and Half Ice Teas
  • One Diet LARGE Wawa Ice Tea
  • Wawa Coffee

Its a long drive – trust me.

Anyway, I had two of the cream cheese pretzels. I got the belly gurgles. NOT GOOD. This is right before the toll before the next exit is like 17 miles away. I thought about stopping and begging the toll operator people to let me use their employee bathroom, it was an emergency. I was going to say I was pregnant if I had too… who would deny a pregnant lady? Anyway, the gurgles go way, I decide to wait until there is a legit rest stop. I pay the toll… and then it happens.

I

Need

To

Poop

NOW.

So I pass the toll, start to merge on interstate and then i decide this is going to happen.

I pull over. HOPING that the toll operators do not send a Statie or something to check on me because I am still within their sight range. I decide I need to poop. I didnt want to get out of the car and go into the woods because I think that may be a huge red flag. I try to think of other options.

I decide the target bag is the best option. If I can use a cup to pee, I can poo in a bag. I take two target bags (thinking that its my best option to avoid any kind of holes) slide off my panties, pull up my jean mini skirt and squat on the seat again. I am leaning back against the seat for support, holding the bags around my butt by taking the handles and pressing them against my sides… and let it go. I had the WORST diarrhea EVER. Damn you hot lamp cream cheese pretzels, damn you! So I poop.

I use my undies to wipe, put them in the bag and decide what to do with the bag. This time, I decide to litter. The bag was too smelly to keep in the car. I know littering is bad, I know its horrible but really, if you smelled this, you would do the same. I chuck the bag out my passenger window. I apologize NY state for littering. I apologize to whom ever had to stab that bag to pick up the trash on the highway (maybe you got turned on by my panties, HEY it could be a fetish, you dont know). I am sorry but I had to poop.

I spend the next 16 or so miles hovering over my seat in my jean skirt as not to get any missed wipe-age on it and wait til I get to the rest area to get new undies out of my bag and clean myself up.

Now I am not proud of myself. I do not condone littering. I do not think it was the right thing to do but I really found myself between a rock and a hard place.

I thought I was pretty smart to double bag.

Anyone find themselves getting creative when they have to go and there is not bathroom in sight?

This is Sarah’s favorite story. I told her this in confidence and then she decided to share it with our old office. Well she started telling it at the table and then I had to finish it. I am sure she will tell my new office this story at some point… I cant wait… because Sarah is coming to work with me starting September 🙂 Reunited and it feels so good 🙂

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2 Responses to “Always Double Bag- ALWAYS”

  1. Chelsea September 1, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Today was the first time I took a look at your blog and what a great day it was to read it, lol!!!
    I feel like i know you so much better now that i have heard this story… Thanks for sharing because i def dont think I could have!!!

  2. Kathryn September 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Wow, that was like an Amy Poehler/ Kristin Wiig movie moment. Hilarious. You are an amazing woman, I have to hand it to you.
    We use target bags to put our cat litter/poop in! I love them because they are so sturdy!

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