The difference between men and women in the world of TTC

26 Aug

Please know this is not every male or female or couple. Just my experience.

My husband and I have different brains when it comes to trying to conceive. While he recognizes that I basically breathe trying to have a baby, it’s an after thought for him. It’s a “sure I’ll do it” , “sure we will raise a kid”, “yes I want to have a baby with my wife”. Where as I Am stressing and obsessing over ovulation, signs in my body, calendars, aches, what ifs.

It’s fundamentally different between men and women, and why shouldn’t it be… Their role initially is a deposit, then provider of comfort and support for 9 months, and then become the father. This is very simplified. Prior to conception we need to allow our bodies to guide us, we need to check for the ability to reproduce, we need to ready ourselves. (I miss caffeine and alcohol… Dearly. Miller lite. That bottle of Moët that Matt gave us for our wedding is siting and waiting for me. I will pop you one day, I promise.) Then for 9 months we allow our child to live within us. To take whatever it needs. To move internal organs. To stretch skin, to alter our brain and body and life.

When we lost the baby, I do not believe Ty was as invested as I already was. He was sad, he grieved… But I had more than just a notion that was loss… My body responded. I can recall walking up on Monday and going “I lost the baby, my boobs are no longer hurting” i knew before we confirmed it on wednesday. .it was not only physical, it was mental.

I am sure when a pregnancy progresses, the father becomes more and more invested. As for right now, Ty takes the stance of things will happen. Ty makes the journey positive because that is the only way he can be, how he is as a person. This is helpful and hurtful. I sometimes want to scream at him because he does not know how fearful I am. How to tell him I have an ache without him going into panic mode. He’s so positive it makes me want to slap him. He acknowledges that he can’t always be positive because knows that it’s not all roses and kittens. He just doesn’t want to be in the negative space. He also believes pregnancy will be easy for us. He also has not read all the shit I have. I have told him about people who tried for years… I have told him about people who have had 5 miscarriages. He is aware. But it’s not in the back of his mind.

Men, in all my experience of one husband, take it in stride. Enjoy the ride. And provide the ride depending on the day and the position. Women, in all my experience of friends and this blog, focus on trying to conceive. We focus on the now and next few days. We try to monitor. We try to control. We have to. Losing a child leaves a gapping hole. I still can feel it in my Body. It’s like an abyss of mixed emotions. We try to do everything we can to prevent that to happen again. We strive to provide the best living environment for the kid. We try to bring it into world as best as we can.

I don’t know how I would feel if Ty was as obsessed as I am. We probably would never leave our bedroom out of depression. So his positivity is a nice balance although slightly annoying at times.

Partners are there to balance us. To support us when we need to make the hard decisions. Love us when we fall because we cannot carry ourselves. Be there.

I would love it though if he could pee on a few sticks. Use a tampon, ruin a pair of undies because of leakage, experience cramping, have a doctor prop your legs open an explore your shit.

Is your partner like mine? What is your experience?

I promise more funny posts soon. Sarah is in Prague… That always me to fall into the depths of my brain without a line to pull me out. I think that is where all my negativity is coming from. I need her to tell me to stop obsessing while still acknowledging the need I my obsession… And thank you Sarah for convincing me to not by the anti radiation blanket on zuilly the other day.

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