It Isnt so bad…

21 Aug

It really isnt. Trying to have a baby isnt so bad.

I get to have sex with my husband alot. Even though he said that he feels as if he is an indentured servant to me because I stipulate when we need to have sex and blah blah blah… He loves it. I am sure he could do without all the pee sticks in the trash as well as waking up super early so that we can do it and get to work on time, but whatever. I did counter that I would be an indentured servant for 9 months and then we both get to be indentured servants for the next XXX years until the kiddos move out. He did say I had a great point.


Wife 1, Husband 0


But its really not that bad. Sure losing a baby is probably one of the lowest moments in my life. Not only for me personally but for Tyler and I as a couple. I believe it brought us closer, how could it not, we were helpless, clinging to each other for support, affirmation and hope.


I feel as if my last few posts have been negative and I really do not want this journey to be negative. I want it to be fun and light. So I thought today’s post should be about things I am thankful for…


Let’s start with the losing the baby (no I am not thankful for that) – It could have been worse. I could have lost a fallopian tube. I could have had adverse reactions to the Methotrexate (I spelled that right the first time, Winner!!!). I could have had alot more physical pain then I did. As for emotional pain, it was helped by many friends and family members. I am thankful that my experience, like many others, was something that made me stronger. I did not break. We did not bend. We didnt give up (Which is also our Wedding Song, Shout out to Jason Mraz).


I am also thankful for my husband. Even though he is an indentured servant right now, he is my rock. He stays positive, he holds my hand and he is along for the ride, laughing and enjoying every moment. I am sure he is going to shit his pants if and when we have a confirmed pregnancy. Not because he isnt ready but because our world will be turned upside down.


I am beyond thankful for friends. Not only friends that are currently in my life but friends I had in high school. My current friends are supportive, excited and understand my needs to obsessively talk about babies. They cry with me. They help me through bad days and good. My friends have given me support systems, introduced to me people that have given me baby clothes, maternity clothes… tips and tricks.


I am also thankful for friends that have reconnected via facebook. When we announced that we lost the baby I had so many messages from my High School Class that could relate, offered sympathy and just acknowledged my pain was also theirs. It was so nice. Many people are hush about miscarriages and I really wish they weren’t. If they are so damn common, let’s talk about it. Lets get the word out, lets embrace each other.  I am not sure why we are all searching around on google to come up with random links, random posts with no answers… Also, the pregnancy books (unless you get one about loss which you wouldn’t do right off the bat when you find out you are pregnant because no one thinks that could possibly happen) do not touch on miscarriages too much. They have short chapters. So when you are in the midst of waiting for your doctor to call you back after hours and you are bleeding from your vagina, WTEWYAE (what to expect) has a three page snippet that does jack shit. We need to be helpful and band together. I am done ranting. I do know that Lisa Ling has a website called the Secret Society (here is the link but frankly I am so turned off by the name. This society should not be a secret. It happens to so many people.


I am also thankful for my family. I love that they are excited and want us to have children (although it is alittle much sometimes) but its nice to have that support. I really dont know any other mother in law could have handled me calling her house in a frantic bawling mess asking where Tyler was because I think I just had a miscarriage. She literally was the calmest cucumber around. Way to go MIL, Way to Go!


I am thankful for friends of friends. There are alot of people who have reached out to me not knowing me personally saying that they have gone through the same thing. It was nice to have someone completely removed just say Im Sorry and I have hope for you.

I am thankful for Jeff. This time I am talking about Ty’s Brother. He has been there alot when Ty and I have had our shit hit the fan. He is always there, silent, but knows what to do to make sure we are comfortable, have what we need. He is just that dude that is always there.  He was there for us after I had my procedure and couldn’t drive. He promptly picked up ty, came to the OBGYN office, waited in the parking lot and then got us take out as Ty and I drove home Empty. He was also there when our cat passed away, he was probably the only one that had their head on straight and could think (Bailey Suddenly died, I mean literally dropped dead and the girl was only 6 and healthy, Ty and I were a wreck trying to get to the vet, calling the vet, just general freaking out – which reminds me and this is not just for animals, make sure you have your vet/doctor on speed dial, you know where the emergency room is… you know how to get there, you know what time they close, you know the after hours number – would have made things easier). Jeff is just there. He is a good Brother and I mean that, he is not my brother in law, he is my brother.


I am thankful that I can have a space to vent and laugh and discuss with other people.  Sometimes you just need to put shit out there.


Of course I am so blessed to have a great job, the ability to be able to support children (hopefully, I know they are alot of money and require alot of upkeep, I am kidding), my health and all that other stuff but the focus of this is really about seeing positives from something that was so dark. I am actually impressed that my body was able to bounce back, was able to see that something was not quiet right with the embryo. I am impressed with the love and support that surrounded us. I am happy that Ty and I were able to pull through, seek comfort in each other and see the light at the end of the tunnel.


I know that if and when we have a child, that child is going to be very lucky because there are alot of people out there that will love the shit out of it. And alot of people that will probably have to remind Ty and I not to be so protective but whatever.


What are you thankful for? Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel while you are trying to conceive or if you had a miscarriage? I know negative tests are a downer, Pregnant bellies all over can become overwhelming and actually seem like a cruel joke but there is a positive side. Even if I do not conceive, I know that our child (said adopted Asian baby from previous posts) will be ours.

I hope you can see the light, because there is one, you may just need to do a little looking before the sky’s start to open up.


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