My Dad

9 Aug

I have thought about his for some time… would I tell my dad if I get pregnant?

Seems like a no brainer right? Well, its really not.

I have a friend (actually my first boyfriend ever) who’s wife gave birth to a very cute little girl back in May and they did not tell her father about her pregnancy or even the birth of their little girl. Her relationship with her father was rocky and apparently the day after their wedding it became so rocky that she ended the relationship.

Ty and I got Married in May. The prior November I spoke to my Dad, who lives in Ohio, and he said that he was 40% coming, 60% not coming to our wedding because of the travel, who would watch their animals etc…  I thought that was him just being dramatic. He had said before that he didnt want to come to our wedding because it would put him in an odd spot with my mom (his ex wife) and my step mom. I am very sorry – Put all your issues aside, get along for one damn day. But thats just me. Anyway, I kept emailing my dad about what song he would like to dance to for our father daughter dance… no response.
I left a message on his home phone… no response.

I got the mail one day after work and I had response cards. One was from him and it had an “X” next to regretfully decline. No explanation. No phone call before. Nothing. As I drove up my driveway I started to cry. Not because I was upset that he declined but I was upset at myself to think that he would come. I know my father. He does his own thing. Both him and I have had our ups and downs. He does not know me. He does not know Tyler. Instead of Dancing with my father at our wedding, I danced with my new Father… Tyler’s Dad. I was walked down the aisle by my friend Marty, who I have known since first grade. It was all good.

I dont think I am going to tell my father if and when we get pregnant. I dont think I will call him the day our child is born. I will send photos, as I sent photos of our wedding to him and got the usual, no response. That relationship is on the side for right now. Things between him and I will probably not ever align but that is okay.

For our child I know that my husband will be a great father. I know that he values family time over working ridiculously long hours. I know that he will not try to buy their love. I know that he will go to plays. I know that he will be there – even if there is a world where Tyler and I are not married… Tyler will be a very different father. Tyler will be an amazing father, who wants the best for his child(ren) and will remember to love them, teach them, and guide them.

I love my dad very much but I cannot see eye to eye with him. I have said my share of hurtful things and he has said his. We both perceive each other probably in very different ways than we really are. I am okay with that. Only because I know that I have reach out my hand, I have waved the white flag, I have tried to see his side. I feel as if I have given my best to patch things up. I can honestly say, I am okay without my father being in my children’s lives.

I will tell them stories about how their grandfather and I used to ride our bikes every Saturday in Penny Pack Park, that he had an old Trans-Am, He loved to play Final Fantasy and that he would let me watch horror movies with him. I will tell them about the blue robe he would wear around the house after work, how he smelled like clean crest toothpaste but with a hint of cigarettes… How he scared my friend Maureen in High School (she thought he was Jesus, he came home late after a business trip, didn’t realize the girls were in his bed and proceeded to get undressed in his tighty whities and get into bed – why Maureen thought Jesus would get into bed with her is beyond me), how he would mow the lawn every weekend and then jump into the pool right after and get grass clippings in the water. I will tell them about him building me a tree swing… him falling off the tree swing… I will tell them good things about him. They will just not know him in person. Or at least right now that is how I see it.

Hopefully things change.

Anyone notice how I am just hoping for one child and as this post progressed… my future self has children? I am jumping WHOA ahead.


4 Responses to “My Dad”

  1. Mrs. S August 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    It’s easy to think about this kind of stuff when you’re considering or trying to have a baby. My father and I have zero relationship and I wonder too how I’ll describe my father to my kids if they ask.

    • maretilton August 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm #

      I think I started thinking about it once I opened the regretfully declined response card. I made a choice not to call and ask why he was not coming. I thought that was not my place. If he wanted to share that with me, he would. Also, I was too emotional and even if I was able to get a hold of myself I know I would become emotional again. Also Ty is affected by it too. He has a great relationship with his parents so it is very odd for him to watch me interact with my dad or my mom. I was raised very independent and thats how I am with my parents. I also dont share alot with family. I dont know why. I keep things close but can blog to anyone who would listen about anything. I feel like the responses I get from my family keep me at a distance and thus I overshare. Who Knows. I am sure a therapist could make alot of money off of me 🙂

      I would hope that you can describe your father as positive, forget the negative and just leave it at he cant come to visit. Until they are older, they do not need to know. My grandfather passed on my dads side before I was born, I have no idea what he was like but I would. I think kids like to hear stories about the past. It helps them shape their future, and hopefully their future is positive.

      • Mrs. S August 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

        It really is unfortunate that your father made the choices he made. Mr. S has a kind, not too close relationship with his parents. My mother and I are very close, so I understand trying to wrap your head around differences in parent relationships.

        My father was abusive, so I have a hard time remembering anything positive at all. Most of my happy childhood memories are those with my mother and brother. I just hope I can avoid the question until they’re old enough to understand why they don’t know Grandpa A.

      • August 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

        Well abusive is not GOOD. I would avoid the subject and only interject that he is alive but focus on their grand mom and their uncle. That way you deflect and avoid. Abuse is never good and a very good reason to shut someone out. Not just physical either, Emotional and verbal abuse cut as deep, the wounds are just not as visible.

        I am sorry that you have to go through that. I am glad that you are able to talk about it and continue to heal. Its not an easy journey.

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