How do people hide it for so long!!!!

7 Aug

When I was 5 weeks pregnant I would say I had a pouch. It was like alittle tummy. Nothing major, kinda like I had to pee super bad and couldnt find a bathroom after a night of drinking and not breaking the seal. But it was there. Maybe I looked constipated. I felt it.
Most people who read this do not know me but I am thin. I fit into the same jeans from seven years ago. Don’t hate me. I literally work out every day. I work out because if I dont, I go epically crazy. I used to do alot of cardio (Sarah will make fun of me but I used to do those Leslie Sansome Walk from Home Videos – they work, I was sweating up a storm)but I have turned to more Yoga lately. I kinda hope that yoga helps work out kinks in my body from car accidents, a sedentary job and just being you know a drunk college kid at one point in my life. And Yoga is hard.

I love Yoga, it helps me breath and it helps me really know my body. Now dont get me wrong I do not like the mediation or like touchy feely hippie yoga but I like Kathryn Budig, Janet Stone and even Bob Harper (Yoga for the Warrior is like TOUGH SHIT RIGHT THERE) are my go to teachers. Anyway, I am getting off topic… So if I have a tummy, people notice.
How the heck can someone keep pregnancy a secret for three months???

We didnt, we made the mistake of telling a few key people in our lives which then told other people and by then it was out and I announced it on facebook… only to have to announce we lost the baby a week later. Now, this happened to someone else that I know. They waited about 2 1/2 months and announced it… only to miscarry. I was saddened and dumbfounded. Its hard to say anything that could provide comfort but I offered my condolences and kept them in my thoughts and prayers – they do have a beautiful two year old daughter now.

Anyway, we didnt hide it. We were beaming from ear to ear. In June when we had a false positive or possibly even a pregnancy, I dont know but I like to think it was  a false positive because its easier to swallow for me. Anyway, I told Sarah and then we told Ty’s Parents and his younger Brother. We had dinner that night and then his mom told Ty’s Younger Brothers Girlfriend. All I could think is WHAT THE SHIT LADY, YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME. Anyway, I got my period the next day.

My point is – at this point – I dont know what I am going to do. Between a set of parents that really want grand kids, a side of the family that wants us to pump out kids and my office that is literally on Baby Watch Tilton 2012, I really dont know what I am going to do. I kinda want to keep it to Tyler and I. And Sarah – because its Sarah and she knows all things baby, or at least I think she does and that makes me feel better. I do know that we will not tell anyone anything. Plus I have SUPER cute ideas for announcing.

I am close with a few people in the office and one women I am super close with. I cried in front of her after the false positive. I never cry at the office. EVER. Crying at the office – CAREER ENDER in my eyes but whatever. We all do it. I have even seen a man cry at the office once because he lost a dog. BUT I DONT CRY. I cry at home, more often then I probably should because I have my own emotional issues where I hold things in and then let them go at Fancy Fest Commercials. Its odd. Its a problem. I get it.
So I will probably tell her when I am pregnant. She did mention to me the other day when she announced her pregnancy here a couple of years ago, she waited and didnt tell anyone… ANYONE because she knew that as soon as she did or showed signs of pregnancy that the entire office would know. She mentioned that to me as a sign I think. Or maybe I am paranoid. I dont know.

So keeping it a secret will be hard. But I know we must do it. I dont want to go through that heartbreak again nor do I want to make people feel odd if it happens again.

People don’t talk about miscarriages but they have like these sad looks they give you. Its really demeaning. Its like YEP, go ahead and say it, my body sucks. But I know its not what they mean.

A Friend from High School admitted she didn’t know what to say, she didnt know if saying she was “sorry” was too cold or too much and she didn’t want to be silent. I thought that was the best thing she could say, is that she didnt know what to say. It was like she was as confused as I felt. That spoke volumes to me. It was like I wasnt the only one lost in emotions and thoughts.

Anyway, so back to the orginal topic – how do I keep this a secret. I think you will be able to tell on my body. Sure Flowing Tops and roomy pants or skirts but I am not that girl. I am jeans and a tee shirt. So that will be a challenge. Not that I havent already bought maternity clothes – thats another post for another day… I have jumped the gun on that, sue me.
Any time I touch my stomach in a photo, people ask. Now I am just holding my stomach because I can bitch, stop asking me. I dont ask you why you feel the need to make duck lips in photos so get off my back.

But keeping it a secret is hard… so hopefully that will be a problem for me one day, until that day… if I have a tummy – its because I either need to pee or ate too much salt 🙂

Maybe I will do what they do on TV to deal with a pregnant actress… use large purses, strategically place tables or books in front of me. that would be interesting.


One Response to “How do people hide it for so long!!!!”

  1. Donna August 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    Mare – I love, love, love your blog! I relate so much to your stories. Now that I know about it, I’m totally stalking you on it 😉

    When you wrote about your experience crying in the office with the false positive, it brought me back to the day I found out about my miscarriage based on a phone call from my doctor in the middle of the afternoon at the office. I was sobbing uncontrollably and let it all out to a male coworker who had gone through his own fertility issues 15 years ago when he and his wife were going through IVF. It was horribly embarrassing and I wished the ground would swallow me whole right then and there. But if anyone else noticed, they didn’t say anything (so thankful for that!).

    For you, the crying comes out during Fancy Feast commercials. For me, it’s any random sad country song that comes on during my drive home or when I see a TV show featuring a pregnant woman.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hopefully soon, you’ll have a “pregnant and loving it” blog that I can stalk!! (and hopefully be in the same boat with you once again!)

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