Im doing this for Sarah

30 Jul

Well Not really… but I am doing this for my own sanity and probably hers. I talk to Sarah every damn day and since probably May 14th of this year every day centers around Babies. Now Sarah has two sisters, both have kids. I have no sisters… and really no woman friends. Yes, I am that Girl. So I go to Sarah. I figure she knows some secret formula to having kids since she has two nieces and a new nephew.  I also hope that talking to her will make me less crazy when I talk to my husband about a baby.  Making sure the crazy baby factor is quelled is very important in front of my husband.
So we are newlyweds and I have a biological clock that is literally a gong at this point. I was never like this before September of 2010. I honestly wasnt a huge fan of kids.  My husband wants them so I thought I would pop out kids. Kids were never on my bucket list of accomplishments. Not that my bucket list is long. I would like to touch Justin Timberlake. Go Naked on a beach. Own a sports car. Save all the cats and dogs in the world. My bucket list is not exciting or far reaching. Kids were never a part of my must try someday.


We had an Oh Shit moment. Our moment came in the form of a shirt that normally fit but was alittle snug that day. I wore the shirt to breakfast, had a mimosa because heck it was Sunday and what was I going to do on a Sunday other than absolutely NOTHING. I got home and just thought wow, maybe I should take a pregnancy test. Mind you, I have taken them before not even thinking twice… almost thinking that taking the pregnancy test magically made you get your period. It was like you telling your body, I just peed on a stick, now work. But this time, it was positive.
We went to CVS, got eight more tests and they all were positive. EIGHT

We were pregnant. How could this have happened – ooh right… Party in August, things were fuzzy… Thats how it happened. Now Tyler and I were going to be parents.

The first thing my mom said to me was “You are not married”.  Bravo mom, BRAVO. Thanks for making my oh shit moment into a moment of disappointing you once again.

Ty’s parents were excited. I mean they literally telling us to get pregnant after a year of dating. Tyler and I thought of ourselves as more of planner couple  not just jumping into things so we weren’t buying the just have a baby talk. But there we were, watching Wall Street (the original movie with Charlie Sheen) thinking about how things were going to change.

Fast forward to bed time… Oh Shit became OH MY GOD WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. It was hours of talking about names (Jack if it was a boy, because who doesn’t love Jack from Lost and Sophia if it was a girl, because well I just like it), how we were going to raise it, what we thought of our childhoods, what we wanted to instill in our new child. It was great. I was beaming. I was happy. I was pregnant and didn’t even know that I wanted to have a baby.

Going back to Sarah. So I make Sarah come to the doctors office with me and they confirm it, I’m pregnant and due in May. A week goes by and then shit happens. I start spotting, then bleeding and basically had the worst time in my life. What ever you do, dont read the internet. But how can you not read the internet. I mean, you are bleeding from your vagina, you are pregnant… its like bleeding from the ears, nothing good can come of it. After blood tests and doctors appointments it was confirmed that our baby was not where it was supposed to be.
I was ectopic.  I had to spend a lovely day in the hospital waiting for a double dose of a drug they give to cancer patients.  Two shots in the bum and I was sent home with a warning that if I am in horrible pain to return to the ER ASAP. Pain? Physical Pain… the emotional pain was the worse. How could that have happened. What did I do to deserve this. What did Tyler do to deserve this. I know I shouldn’t think that way but really that’s all you can do to make sense of it.
Literally nights of crying, wailing, hyperventilating went by. Resentment. Literally hating myself. All that stuff. Think about the worst thing you could have done, or when you broke someones heart, or when you were disappointed by that person you look up to the most… that’s how i felt. Empty.

Fast forward to now. Happily married. Only about 5% resentful but 31 years old and at a higher risk for a difficult pregnancy. I want a baby like 5 minutes ago.

I have stopped noticing pregnant women all around me. For a good 7 months there, I wanted to throw things at the pregnant women. I mean what did they have that I Didn’t have. I do still have a hard time saying congratulations to people who are newly pregnant but I don’t hate them anymore. I also know that is not very mature of me nor is it healthy but I can at least talk about things and not lose my shit.

I work at a tax firm so planning a pregnancy around tax season is difficult and really doesn’t work well for me considering I live in Vermont and the thought of being pregnant, driving 44 miles each way in the snow during tax season its just, its just not appealing but we are going for it. .

We figure we start trying in August and try til about Jan. See where things fall. Hopefully I have a bun in the oven… but until then, all I can do is read about Baby this and that (really seriously, I had no idea about Tummy Time, Tearing or Pooping on the table) and talk about it. If I don’t talk about it, I think my brain will explode.

So I talk to Sarah. Who is a great listener and probably thinks I hog the conversation but I don’t know what else to do.  I know she thinks I am crazy and I probably am. My brain goes 18 different directions in a five minute conversation and probably 9 of those 18 directions has to do with Babies.  Hopefully this blog will help. Hopefully Sarah doesn’t defriend me because I am a crazy cat lady who wants a baby, bad. If she does defriend me, I need to find a new godparent. She is the god mom, I figure if two other people made her a god mom she has to know something about kids. Right? Plus she will be a great fairy god mother. She is a princess after all, and hopefully she can teach my princess or prince a thing or two about life, softball, and how to put up with super annoying friends that have no clue about what they are about to get themselves into.


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