Like all people trying to have a kid month after month, things become routine. For Lack of a better word of course, routine also means tedious timed, lack luster, so not passionate, get ‘er done etc… Maybe its just Ty and I, maybe we are an exception but during ovulation time, especially after a few days of hard core baby making, we are so over having sex.
Another blogger mentioned how often times we treat our partner as a sperm bank. I am so guilty of this. I often forgo the romance. I know I shouldnt do that to Tyler. He deserves better. Tyler needs better. Tyler is more sensitive than I am, well, then I appear. I often shove feelings aside until I cry my eyes out and have a hard time getting back to a calm reality. Anyway, sorry for that Tangent, Tyler wants LOVE in the bedroom. He wants feelings, sex is always about love for him. I am the kind of person that can have sex with someone, fuck someone and make love to someone. TMI I know but you should all expect that now from me. With my husband, and in any relationship, you go through various versions of all three acts. We made love on our honeymoon. We also fucked on our honeymoon. We have sex during ovulation time. For Tyler, it is about making love to his wife and making it be about our inter-connectedness (is that a new word?), our union, our emotional bond every time. And thats great, how lucky am I to have a husband that loves me so deeply that every time we do the deed, its making love? I am one lucky girl. But, for me, there are those three areas and gray areas in between. Trying to have a baby has caused me to treat every interaction as sex.
So I was thinking about this on a drive home and then it hit me… I am not the only guilty party here. With our renovations Tyler is dead tired. Beyond Tired. Stressed. Mind in a million different directions and often un-showered and frankly a mess. This has caused him to forget that I am even in the house sometimes when I come home. We have made a decision that I am not to help with the remodel too much because of the dust and other crap it is generating. Ty fears it is bad for conception. I agree and really will not fight him on it. I spend many of my nights in the bedroom doing yoga, reading, petting the various animals etc… I see Ty when I come home, when we eat and then when he comes to bed. I feel neglected. I know the remodel needs to get done. We have company coming next weekend, we need to have a working kitchen, we need to have a normal home life back. We need to get this project done.
So we both have negligent towards each other. And since we are both doing the neglecting, it makes it even worse. I feel like we are both missing out on what our first year of marriage should be… that we are draining each other of happiness. How do we get back there? Part of me wants to stop trying. Its too stressful, just stop with all the acronyms and just let things happen. Child or Childless. I don’t want my marriage to fail because we were so busy working on other things that we forgot to work on ourselves. We are a team, we are a unit, we are one but right now, our focus is on two different very important items.
So yeah, I think after this weekend, I will breathe easier. I believe I should get my period on Sunday. I will put aside trying to have a baby, focus on my husband and my house. End my write up to the doctor and send it off in the mail and not give it a second thought (other than keeping up with my temperatures) until the 30th. Yeah right, I think we all know, I wont be able to do that but I am going to try and remember my husband. The guy I fell in love with. The guy I love more and more every day. The Guy that is my best friend. Been my Family for many years now. The Guy that will be by my side for the next 50 years.